i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
