Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
