she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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