just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
This house was built for laser tag.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
