why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
