one two three fourrrrnication!
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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