i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
