I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Randomize
