Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
