On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
