if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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