the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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