WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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