I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
