I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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