I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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