If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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