Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Alive.
So much puke
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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