Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
