true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
i out mim tonsoeep
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
