I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
just come out here and I will go home with you...
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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