Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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