I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
