Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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