i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
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I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
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Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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