I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
