and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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