You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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