My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
