So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
