I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
