how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize