I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
