there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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