life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize