we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
operation have a gay friend backfired
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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