I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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