I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
