god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
