I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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