worst night to have a conscience
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
