I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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