My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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