fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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