I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
