yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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