so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
