Need sex. Gaining weight.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
