What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
