your room smells of hookers.
And success
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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