I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
