bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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