from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
this just has baby written all over it
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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