Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Randomize
