I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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