yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
