I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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